The beginning of the end which is really a new beginning

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: Ecclesiastes 3:1
~ It is now my time to follow where God is leading me next and open up the beginning of the new chapter in my life

I am in such a reflective, processing mood everything is so surreal to me right now. This week has been full of "lasts" some "lasts" for good and some "lasts" for a while. Today is a big one though and it is sinking in a week from today I will be in Kentucky.

This week I have met with each of the girls who I have mentored over the summer at Bethel to say goodbye and to hang out one last time, that has been HARD. Last summer when I left I didn't really leave I just left the internship and got a full time job but I stayed involved in their lives and saw them...but now I will stay involved but in a different way through email

Tuesday I met with Happy for the "last" time in a while sense she will not be here this weekend for my surprise cookout. That was so weird Happy has become one of my best friends its weird to think that next week I won't get a call saying lets go get coffee

Last night was the last talk I gave to the High school girls on Biblical womanhood, girls it has been so awesome to hang out with you this summer, I love you all and will miss you! Remember your identity as a woman is found in God alone, nothing else! God created you and he does not create junk.

Today is my last day working at CNU. CNU has become my family while I was in school and than when I worked here all year. It was weird walking around and saying bye to everyone, I know so many people on this campus...I'm ready for change I'm ready to move but I need a moment to take it all in haha

Tomorrow will be my last activity at Bethel and than Sunday my last day at my church and my goodbye party.

I am so excited for what God has in store for me, the nerves are setting in a little but I feel more peace than anything and I'm excited this will be such a change for one a new state haha but man so much, my heart is full. I will miss my VA fam thanks for who you are and what you do in my life!

"You are amazing God"

"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. Job 38:16-18

God has been showing me the last few days how amazing, big and powerful he really is and how my little mind can't even begin to comprehend it or understand it all.

Last night as I waited curled up on a couch at Starbucks for Happy to see her one more time before I left (Happy I'm not crying) I opened my Bible and picked up where I left off in Job. I usually just follow my plan and do 3-4 chapters a day which I had already done yesterday but I was intrigued and wanted to go on, so I sat in Starbucks and finished Job, so now I will spend the next few days meditating on it and rereading it, instead of reading it for the first time sense I went ahead in the reading plan.

Chapters 38-42 is probably for me one of the most beautiful parts of scripture. I was amazed as I read Gods response to Job, and as I read it I felt him gently whispering the same things in my ears...I have questioned Him a lot lately and what his plan is in a certain area of my life and wondering why he put something in my life if it would be so hard. His response to Job was what I needed to hear. How powerful his words were. If you are dealing with pride, questioning Gods direction in your life or something he has done, given you or taken from you read these chapters. It was so humbling, to read all the things that God does and oh how beautiful it was it brought tears to my eyes, and I keep wanting to reread it, I want to soak it all in, I want to feel it and taste it and see it. God is so amazing. This is the chapters that Chris Tomlin's song Indescribable comes from and man do those lyrics mean so much more now. God did so many things I will never do and could never do, if God did all that he can certainly take care of my life, so why do I question him so much, why do I try to control everything myself, oh that I could really trust Him with my whole self and life. He tells every lightening bolt where to go, he tells the ocean how far it can go, I can't even begin to fathom or explain much more how amazing it is...please go read it for yourself! And praise God who is sovereign over all things!

Then Job replied to the LORD : "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. Job 42:1-2 God has a plan and no matter what or who tries to stop that it cannot be stopped, praise God!


"Incomparable, unchangeable You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same You are amazing God!" Chris Tomlin Indescribable....how amazing is God, the God who created everything who tells lighting where to go, knows our hearts, our sin, our thoughts, our doubts but loves us anyway!

I know that my redeemer lives

I am currently in the book of Job for my reading the Bible in a year, I read 4 chapters a day and than I try to meditate on it through out the day. Job has a whole lot going on my word. I had read the first few chapters before because I have related to Job in my life but man I'm on chapter 35 or 36 now and it's like come on. But the thing is God is humbling me through this and showing me how we do the same thing Job does. I'm not sure I understand it all but I'll share some of what I'm learning and I think is going on.



So basically Job was a man who was faithful to God. He loved the Lord and was found to be good in God's eyes, one day angels came to God to share what they had seen by roaming the earth, well on this day the devil goes with them to talk to God and God asks him if he noticed his servant Job, the devil responds yes but of course he will be faithful because he has everything he cold ever want, and he his blessed but take that from him and he will curse you. So God says ok take it away from him but do not take his life. Wow this is some heavy, powerful stuff, we see God's authority over everything here even the devil it is encouraging and sometimes even hard to take it. Some people may say wow God let that happen to Job, God is evil, but no God is sovereign we will never understand the ways of God, his ways are higher than ours and he knows what is best for us even if it means taking something away, and he uses things to test our faith and our trust in him. I see in this that God would not let something happen to me that I could not handle. I also see that everything the enemy uses for evil God uses for good.

So the devil takes away all that Job has and his family except for his wife (which later tells Job to curse God and die, ladies this is not how to be a Biblical woman or how to help the men in our lives, we can learn what not to do from his wife). So what does Job do when he finds out its all gone...he gets on the ground and worships God and says I serve a God who gives and takes a way!!!! This is big...do we do this? Do we worship God in ALL things even the hard things do we say ok God you give and take away so I will trust you or do we get angry at God because we think we deserve something? The truth is God does not owe us anything....period...nothing...we deserve death but because of His grace we receive eternal life. Than the devil messes with Jobs body and makes him have all this pain.....

This is where it gets tricky and confusing for me and I am trying to make sure I understand what is going on. It also gets annoying because chapter after chapter Job is complaining. Than in the middle of the complaining he says "I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God" Job 19: 25-26 than he goes back to complaining

while all this is going on his friends have come to encourage him, but the more they try the angrier Job gets with them, he wants them to let him stay in his piety, he basically starts saying look I never did anything wrong you can not find fault in me but look what happened. Where it gets confusing is trying to figure out if these friends are leading him back to God or taking him furthur away and making it worse, and if they are really cursing God (I just read the rest of the chapter and God is not happy w/Jobs friends so I think that answers my question :) )Where I am at now his friend is telling him off, and telling the rest of his friends off who have not been helping and telling him that he needs to look to God not himself, and to stop thinking he is righteous and credit himself but to credit God. He also was saying that the evil is not from God, what a good friend. This section made me think about me and well humans in general how often does "bad" things happen to us and we get inside ourselves and start believing lies and start blaming God and thinking I don't sin as much as so and so, so why me????? We also get angry when our friends try to bring us out of the dark into the light

we can learn so much from Job this is only scratching the service and is probably pretty simple, but God is so amazing to show me these things over and over to lovingly and patiently teach me the same things over and over. God is good, he gives and takes a way, but he knows whats best, God is alive and he is my redeemer. God loves us and works for the good in all things of those who love him. Praise God today for knowing what is best for you and for making that happen even if he has to take something away that might hurt at first.

So why Kentucky? The final chapter

So I got into southern in early March....it was a time of celebration in my life and new beginnings this is also the time that I started talking to people at Bethel who were asking me to come back this summer (which I did...God is so good)

So I got into Southern...now what. Well my friends and I celebrated and my family was supportive, my dad told my mom that he knew in his heart God was calling me to Kentucky (I found this out like 3 days before I got accepted, which is huge for my dad). The few weeks up to finding out I went from having peace to freaking out to doubting to thinking I shouldn't go, that I wasn't called than freaking out because I didn't have 3 back up plans like I usually do. The weeks and months after getting accepted to now have been good, hard, but good. A lot has gone on in my life and God defiantly has a purpose in it all. Relationships were ending new ones were beginning, new people and Friends were coming into my life and it was all very overwhelming. I visited Southern for preview conference in April which is for people who were thinking about applying, well I already had and had gotten in. But man does God know me, he knows me so well. I am convinced that if I had done the conference before I applied I wouldn't have applied because I would have been so freaked out, and felt like it was too hard. But sense I had gotten in first I had a peace that God wanted me there and had a plan. The min I stepped on campus I felt like God saying this is it Kellie you are home, you can let everything that has defined your life for the past 5 years go....man can I just say a huge sigh of relief. There is so much that I am ready to let go of but it has been impossible when I live in it every day. The visit was wonderful, I went to chapel, I sat in classes which was amazing I went to public school my whole life so what a Joy I felt when they opened each class in prayer. I met so many wonderful people and so many girls that I know I will be friends with, and who I have stayed in touch with this summer.

Also during the time that I was applying and found out God was speaking to me a lot in my quiet times. I was Reading the Bible in a year and I was getting to the part where God delivered the Israelites from Egypt (there past, and where the were being enslaved), God delivered them and than promised them Canaan, a new life free from bondage a new beginning. God started to speak to me and show me that was what he was doing in my life. VA represented my Egypt specifically NN which don't get me wrong I like it here, I have amazing friends who I will start crying if I think about leaving but for so many reasons it is time for me to leave, it has become something that is enslaving me. And Kentucky represents Canaan for me. God showed me so much through my study on all of this though, and showed me basically how not to be once I got to the promised land. When they got there they complained, they didn't see what was so good about it and the "giants" scared them there were obstacles there that they did not want to overcome they wanted it to be easy. So God made them wonder around for 40 years. It was like God was saying Kellie when you get there it wont be easy, there will be challenges there may be times you want to go back to NN where it's "safe" but not good for you like the Israelites BUT I am with you, I brought you here I have a plan do not think your plan would have been better and trust me. I love that he gave me this as an example. Once they finally got there though they forgot God, and what He did for them. They credited everything to themselves, and then decided they wanted judges and kings to rule them, than they prostituted themselves out to foreign Gods. They made idols in the place of God. But how often do we do the same thing, we make idols in the form of success, people, money, grades, maybe not wood any more, but we do it too. I feel like I was being lovingly warned, that God was saying I have this new life for you, I have freedom for you, I have a plan, I am bringing you out but we have to do this my way, and you need to keep your eyes on me. Man I love when God teaches me, guides me, and when I hear him and understand him.

So this has been my journey to Southern so far. I received most of the scholarships I applied for which was a blessing, I am a little short but God made the way this far and I know he will complete it. I received housing and everything just fell right into place, it becomes more and more obvious that this is not from myself but from God. I could write a book about the money and housing process but I think you are probably tired of long posts and ready for short ones. So all i will say about all of that is God is Good and God is Faithful. His ways may not be our ways, his plans may not be what we have for ourselves, he may not provide in the way we want or think is best, But God is Good and his ways are better than ours, he knows what I need more than I do so I need to trust the way he gets me to where he is taking me.

I have a week left in "Egypt" and than it is off to see what God has for me. Ok I can't think about this any more or I will freak out (did I mention I have never lived out of VA or away from family, it's starting to hit me, so pray :) )

So why Kentucky? Part 2

Sorry ahead of time that these posts are so long, once I get past explaining the journey up until now I think the blogs will be a lot shorter :)



So in October and December is when Seminary started coming up in my head again...I would wake up in the middle of the night with it on my brain, I would think about it while I was having conversations with other people. During December I had 2 weeks off from work, it was a very emotional time in my life, God was closing the door to one area of my life "the distraction". But with that closing it meant nothing was holding me back anymore and that I was free to go....go where? Well Kentucky of course haha :)



I was at my fave place to have personal mini "retreats" the coffe shope aromas haha and I was reading and writing and praying and reading my Bible and crying, and I deicded to start looking at Southern again, so I went online looked through it and got real excited and real nervous, I had been thinking about it a lot and praying about it. I pulled up the application and was reading through it and soon my excitement turned to hurt and bitterness and fear. That was one of the hardest applications I would have to fill out, the reasons I will not share on this blog but I knew just feeling it out would be a test of my faith and if I believed in Grace or not. I closed the application cried a lot than called my Pastors wife Liz we talked for about 2 hours about all of this and the door that I needed to close once and for all in my life so that night I finally did. With that a huge burdon lifted off me and I knew it was time to take a step in the direction God was leading me which was Seminary but the application scared me....so I wasn't ready just yet.

I went to Danvill the next day for Christmas with my family. The week I was there I discussed the idea of Seminary with them a lot. My dad wanted me to move to Danvill and live there, get a job than eventually get married, but I knew that was not Gods plan. (Quite some time later my dad agreed that God was leading me to seminary wich was such a blessing that he finally saw that)


While I was there I got a devotional on Gods will, which was nothing what I thought it would be I thought it would tell me exactly what Gods will for me was haha. Well it did in a way. It talked about John 15 as knowing Gods will for our lives, and how his will is for us to remain in him, to be known by him, to know him, to love him, and to bear much fruit and if we are doing that in whatever season of life we are in we are in Gods will. It also had a section on 3 ways to discover Gods will for a certain decision and that it was not all emotional, but to see if it lines up with scripture and if doing it would cause you to sin, if your circumstances match up, and if Godly people in your life confirm it. Well I did this devotional about the time that I started talking to people seriously about applying to school, they all confirmed it even those I told them I was terrified and probably wouldn't do it, but I knew I had to get out of VA. Than my circumstances lined up, doors in my life were being closed and I was free to make a change, and by going I would be able to obey Scripture.

I went home and talked to some people and on December 30th my bday I printed out the application for The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I had researched other schools and they were all great schools and I could never explain why I didn't apply to any of them except that I feel my heart was closed off to them. It was like there was a target on Southern and I had no idea why, I just knew if Seminary was where God was leading me that was where I had to be. So I spent January filling out applications, getting references and getting back involved at Bethel's youth group which was sweet, it was so good to be back and volunteering in my free time. God started healing some wounds and began to get me excited about school, it started as me applying in obedience but ended in me getting excited than real anxious I wouldn't get in.

The month up until I found out I started getting real worried. How would I pay for this, where would I live, how would I eat (a nice friend said with a plate and fork), can I really leave everyone I know, Kentucky, do I really want to get rid of everything I own and get new stuff when I get there, how would I move there, will I have friends, I have never lived away from some sort of family, what about my Christian family in NN....than one night God gently and graciously spoke to me and reminded me of the first disciples....I could feel him speaking to my heart and telling me that he told them to follow him so they left everything, family, job, their income, friends, possessions, dropped what they were doing and followed him. And no where do you read that they died of starvation, or didn't have what they needed....he was like Kellie if I did that for them I can and will do that for you. Right after that all my questions started to get answered of the how when where and why.

Stuff got complicated with my application and I didn't have stuff that I needed so the date I found out kept getting pushed back. Finally on March 4th on a beautiful day after Lori and I rode bikes to the river before work I had a congratulations letter in my email inbox...I was going to southern!!!!! The rest to come later.........

So Why Kentucky? The journey to Kentucky part 1

That is a question I get often

Why Seminary, why Kentucky, why are you moving so far away, why Kentucky, why are you leaving everything you know, and why Kentucky?

Sense this blog is to keep people up to date with my life in Kentucky (once I move there in 20 so days) and with what God is doing and teaching me I thought I should share the why Kentucky and share the journey so far, well what I am willing to share so far and what i feel is necessary to share and what God would have me share, because some of the questions I cannot answer yet, some of the questions I am beginning to see the answer but I do not feel it is time to reveal that.

So....the journey of seminary and Kentucky really started my senior year of college. I started to think of what I wanted to do when I graduated and I knew ministry was where I was called, and I knew women's ministry was where I was called. Actually I knew that I was created to be a wife and mom and that is what I long for but it was not in Gods timing yet so until than what would I do. I knew God had given me the desire to be a wife and mom that is why he created us, but I knew that desire should not be above my desire for God, that he should be my first desire. I also knew that God would give that to me in his timing and until than he would have other plans (trust me it took a lot to get to this point, and a lot to trust that God still had marriage for me even if I did not leave CNu with my MRS degree haha) I started thinking about going to grad school for social work (my major) but my heart was never settled in that idea, I actually got offered a full time social work job but turned it down to take an internship at Bethel Baptist because again social work was not where my heart was anymore. But that is jumping ahead sorry. So seminary became something I thought about, but at the time it was a nice idea, something that wasn't threatening to think about because I knew (thought I knew) it would never happen, so I could think about it because I knew it wasn't a reality. I am glad I did not go right after I graduated, it would not have been the right time, the motive behind it would have been wrong, and I needed this past year to grow and learn, to discover things about myself and For God to work in my heart and change my motives for wanting to go. My senior year I would have applied because of pride, it seemed like the cool thing to do (just being honest) and how sweet would it be to tell people I was going to Seminary, I would seem smart. Praise God he did not let me go than, and that it was just a thought and that he used this year to knock me off my pride horse and change my motives. The day I graduated May 13, 2007 as I was walking after the ceremony w/my dad to get my real diploma my dad looked at me and said you ready for grad school now, I looked at him said let me catch my breath first and if I do go it will not be for social work but it would be seminary.

The summer after I graduated I turned down a full time job to work at Bethel Baptist having no idea what God would do when the summer was over, but knowing God had me there for a reason, and trusting he had a plan for after the summer. I would be interning in the youth group and working with the middle and high school girls. Hanging out, mentoring, planning events, going to camp, teaching Sunday school, and teaching 45min every Wednesday night, I was excited but terrified, it seemed like ministry was becoming a reality in my life. Something I wanted but seemed so far away (I had done small group leading, and Beloved Minsitrys, but now a job in minsitry was happining) Through the summer my passion for the Lord grew and my passion for his people, and his girls grew, I loved what i was doing. BUT I felt so inadequate I felt so unable to do what I did. The one on one teaching I was fine at, the teaching to a larger group and not doing a Bible study format but teaching not so comfortable with. I felt like Moses when God told him to go to Pharaoh and speak to him, Moses felt like his words were not eloquent and not good enough, and so did I. In reality I did not trust that God was big enough and that God would work in and through me, I focused on my own abilities for a while and not Gods. Praise the Lord he showed me this and worked with me on this! That summer I realized ministry was what I wanted in some capacity and working with this age group of girls is what I wanted either volunteer because I was a wife and mom first or as a full time job. But I also knew that I needed better tools, I needed to enhance my theology and learn more, so again I started to think about Seminary. I started to research it, and I began to talk to other people about it, I began to plan and I started to think of how to make it happen. But God knew again that I was not ready. Soon after I started thinking seriously about school a distraction entered my life, I do not see it necessary to go into detail of what that was but if you know me you know the distraction. God is so big, and so good and so powerful. He used this distraction to teach me a lot about myself and life. I started working at the school I graduated from and have spent the last year doing that, which was also a blessing and taught me so much about who I am and where my heart is and where my passion is. I realized I am not happy unless I am serving, and unless I am in ministry, I realized I would do it for free if I could and knowing that helped me to see I really was passionate and my motives weren't selfish anymore. I needed this last year, I needed it before I started school again. As painful as it was I needed it. Has hard as the distraction became and was and how hurtful that was at the time it left I needed it and now I praise God. God showed me and taught me so much.

Somewhere in October and more so in December is when I realized I was no longer happy in Newport News or in VA, I realized God was leading me somewhere else, I realized there was a whole other life for me somewhere and that there were other things waiting for me but I had no idea where, what, how or when, but my heart started longing for this place. God started whispering seminary to my heart and this time I said no, this time I said I want no part, this time I was scared (because I knew it was time, I knew this dream would become a reality, and I just wanted it to stay a dream.). I knew my motives where no longer selfish, I knew there was a real reason for me to be there, even if I was not sure of the reason at the time, I knew God wanted me there which terrified me, I knew this time I didn't want to go I wanted to stay where it was easy, but at the same time I was no longer satisfied with what was easy. When I thought Kellie, seminary wasn't something that came with that thought, maybe some of my friends names and seminary but not me. I fought it for a long time, I fought the idea that VA was not where I was supposed to be. I was confused, and anxious there were 49 other states and so many possibilities if this was not where God wanted me than where the heck did he want me and how was I supposed to know. I started looking for full time ministry jobs around the world but every time I did, God said no, he said not yet, your not ready for that, and that is not my plan. I applied for jobs and researched jobs, places like PA, Canada, over seas, I was grasping for straws trying to find God's plan for me on my own, and I never really told people I was doing this, I thought if I found a job than the whispering of seminary would go away. But a job didn't come and I got more unsettled with being still, being in this place. If you knew me during those months you know my heart was unsettled and I was pretty anxious, I was dealing with a lot of hurt, pain, wounds, and scars, I was ready to let go of a past that was not that so far gone. God was doing something but I wasn't sure what just yet, he was preparing me for Kentucky this whole time (I see that now and believe it with my whole heart, I trust that was what God was doing).....but my small mind and eyes, and heart could not see that yet....but Kentucky is what he had for me, and he was starting to show me that......MORE TO COME LATER

Be Loved by Him

As I was driving to Danville today I thought about creating a blog, but the thing I got stuck on was the name I would call it. I wanted the name to mean something, I wanted it to be something that reflected my life in some way and some how pointed to my first passion: God. My desire for this blog is for it to always point back to God. So than it hit me something that has meaning in my life and my life as a woman and what I try to share with other woman. The idea of Beloved, the idea of what it means to be Gods Beloved....so here it goes

Beloved

That is a word that has meant a lot in my life the past 3 years or so. As many of you know I am part of a woman's ministry called Beloved ministries, so that is where I began to learn about the word but it has only grown. And how I have applied it to my life has grown

Beloved what does it mean? Take it apart Be Loved....so be loved by who? Be loved By Him...God (hence the name of this blog)

A few years ago I started on the journey of knowing what being loved by God really means, and what it means for me as a woman. It is something that I am still learning daily and while I'm learning I love to share it with other woman

As woman we have so many things telling us what we need, our culture tells us that we need to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way, and have a certain job to have worth and to be loved by people. It is so easy to fall for all the lies and all the garbage the world throws at us. But God says "Daughter Be Loved by me, you are my beloved and you are loved, just as you are" We are daughters of the King (which may sound corny but it is true) and because of that we are loved by God. God wants to be enough for us, and in the world that we live in it is hard to come to a point where we say ok God you are enough. But it is a beautiful thing when we can say God your love is enough. Of course it is good to be loved by other people, but that is not where our value, worth, and satisfaction should come. It breaks my heart to see woman believe the lies that they have to have a boyfriend or husband to have worth or to be loved. Marriage is a gift from God, but it does not give us as woman more worth. Our worth is found in the fact that we were created by God in His image to be His daughter! WOW! It blows my mind. We are not defined by our status but by Gods love for us. Your value does not change when you get married but your purpose as a woman does.

Anyways this is a thought that has become a huge part of my life. The idea of being loved by God and that, that is where my worth and value come from and that I do not have to do anything but believe in Him to be loved by him. God has blessed me in the past 2 years to work with middle school to college age woman, and this is what I love to share with them, it has become a passion of mine. I am not sure why God has given me the gifts he has given me or why he has allowed me to work with woman but all I want is to use what I have learned and my experiences to share with woman that they are loved by God. It is something I am still learning, so join with me and lets Be Loved by Him.

so why start a blog

A few of you have asked that I start a blog...so here begins my humble attempt at doing this. I cannot promise that this will be eloquent, that I will keep up with it all the time, or that what I write will be worth reading or super spiritual and encouraging. I read some of my friends blogs and I am like wow God was pouring through their finger tips as they typed each word, don't expect that from this blog. But I invite you to join the ride as i enter into a new chapter on this journey we call life. I invite you into the trials, the joys, the mistakes, the blessings, the tears, the laughter, and the lessons and the prayer requests I have along the way. People from my VA, CNU, and church family have asked me to keep them up to date with my life in Kentucky and my life at seminary. So I have been wrestling with the thought of creating a blog. So I decided why not give it a shot, I move to Kentucky in about 4 weeks so this blog will be away to keep up with everyone and share what God is doing in Kentucky and what he is teaching me. In the weeks leading up to the move I'll share my thoughts on moving, what God has been teaching me, and the story behind seminary and Kentucky. So sit back and enjoy, I'll try to write in a way that makes sense to everyone not just me :)